Merry Christmas?

Have you ever had a Christmas where it just doesn't feel like Christmas?  The tree's all decorated, the lights are up, the presents are wrapped, the cards are signed, the Christmas story's been read, etc., etc.  Yet even with all that, there's just no joy, no excitement, nothing.  That's how my Christmas started out.  When I was woken up by one of my dogs licking my face, it felt like any other day.  I knew it wasn't, but that's what it felt like.  It made me think of those days when I was little kid and I would run into my parents room and jump on their bed till they woke up and we would go open presents.  I miss those days of simplicity and of belief in Santa.  Things really were easier in some ways.

When I finally hauled myself out of bed and got out of my room and wished a Merry Christmas to the rest of my family, my grandmother responded with, "Doesn't feel very merry does it?"  I knew exactly how she felt, but saying it out loud just added to the depression I already felt.  It was hard not to dwell on the fact that Grandpa wasn't going to be there.  Thanksgiving hadn't been nearly this hard, probably because about half the family wasn't able to make it anyway.  For Christmas though, the entire family was showing up, including my mom's mom who suffers from dementia.  Eleven people, a permanent odd number for the first time in twenty years.

I Chose This

 (Brief random warning: This is my kind of defying the world speech, just so you know.)

More and more I'm discovering that the career I've chosen is probably one of the toughest out there.  Not necessarily physically or mentally or anything like that, but emotionally.  When you work so hard to try to get that part in that play or movie that you really want and you feel like you've done a good job and then you find that it was all for nothing, it's crushing.  You feel like a failure.  Or, at least I do.  But what if that's what you love, if that's your passion?  You keep going.  You cry those tears and then you pick yourself up and keep going, keep trying hoping that in the end, all your hard work will eventually pay off.  I've known that this was going to be a hard road, filled with a lot of disappointment and pain.  I've always considered myself to be a fairly strong person, able to push back the pain, the tears and put that smile on my face even when I felt like I was falling to pieces.  My choice of career is going to test that.  Am I going to be strong enough to suffer disappointment after disappointment and still be able to pick myself up and keep going?  Is my determination enough to get me through?  And with that, do I have the strength and will to finally begin the seemingly impossible task of losing all the weight I have to lose to try to fit in to the skinny world of Hollywood.  I've had people tell me that I'm choosing the easy career, that it doesn't really take any kind of effort to act.  But it does.  It's already tested me in so many ways.  So many people don't understand what it's like to get inside the head of a character, to become someone you're not.  I can do this and I will.  I'm going to prove to the world that I am strong enough to do this.  I can become one of those skinny Hollywood girls and I will.  Just watch me!

What the Devil Knows

What happens when school, extracurricular activities, and work all combine?  Well, for me, it means that I don't spend time reading my Bible and I make excuses not to go to church which means that my relationship with God seems to kind of flat-line.  Granted, the majority of the stress and work that keeps from reading my Bible comes from me procrastinating, but lately, it's been more a matter of I really do just have a ton of stuff going on and when I have a few moments that I don't have to be doing schoolwork or work or something else, I'm ashamed to say that reading my Bible is the last thing I want to do.  I want to pick up the book I just bought and start reading it, or watch the movie that I got ages ago, but haven't had the time to watch, or listen to some new music I found online, or, well, you get the idea.  And when it comes to church?  Most Sunday's there's so much other stuff I need to get done that it's just not practical for me to make the thirty plus minute drive out to Edgewood.  But on the other hand, I'm not exactly a fan of the church my parents are now attending.  Now, don't get me wrong, it's a great church.  I like the music, the pastor's good, the people are generally friendly, at least the few people who happen to notice me, but it's not home.  I don't know almost every single person there and love them like they're part of my immediate family almost.  I haven't been to almost all of their houses at some point or another.  They don't know anything about me and I don't know anything about them.  And for me, that unfamiliarity, is frightening.  I don't like meeting new people.  And I'm not good around people I don't know.

The Prestige

"Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird or a man. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal. But of course... it probably isn't. The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige"."

So begins one of my all time favorite movies:  The Prestige.  I have only seen this movie twice, but I think it is one of the most brilliant movies I have ever seen and I love it.  If you haven't seen the movie, you probably don't want to read this as I might spoil parts of it for you.

Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover

Yup, we've all heard it, we've all said it, but the majority of the time, we don't live it and I am certainly no exception.  I just started sophomore year of college after taking a year off to just kind of collect myself and figure out what I want to do with my life.  I'd spent my first year at a tiny college in a tiny town and I hated it and didn't fit in anywhere.  Now I was going to a big college in a big city and hoping that it would be different.  And I've been there three days and I am absolutely loving it.  I take back that smaller colleges are always gonna be better.  Apparently not for me.

Complete Only in Him

Last week, I had the incredible opportunity to attend a camp called Regeneration in Glorieta, New Mexico.  I'd heard of the camp before, but it was the first time that my youth group had decided to go.  All I can say, is wow!  Everything about that week was amazing.  The preaching, the games, the preaching, the people, the preaching, the worship, the preaching...  Okay, you get the picture.

God taught me a lot of things that week, but one thing really stood out.  If you know me, then you know that I am a complete romantic.  Somehow, over the past year or so, my goal has become finding a new boyfriend.  Yeah, pretty pathetic.  I felt that somehow, life and everything would get so much better if I did have a  boyfriend.  I know there are others out there who feel the exact same way.  Basically, in other words, I thought a boyfriend would complete me.

Don't Be Bitter, Be Better

Recently I've been struggling with some bitterness towards the last person I ever thought I would be bitter towards:  my grandmother.  Isn't it funny how things can change so fast?  The reason for my bitterness is my family's move back into Albuquerque.  Now to most people that probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but for me, it's been pretty huge.  I'm a country girl at heart, not a city girl.

Think Before You Think

The other night I stepped outside of where I work to take out some trash, what greeted me was a thick haze that at first I thought was fog and then the overpowering smell of smoke.  My first reaction was panic.  Oh my gosh!!!!  There's a fire in Albuquerque!!!  My second reaction was to calm myself down because if there was a fire in Albuquerque of that magnitude, I would likely be hearing sirens or something.

That Could Be You...

This is going to be a rather random post, just to warn  you all, but I thought it was something to think about too.

To start out with, when I am really bored, I will either read, draw, write, or occasionally watch one of my favorite tv shows on Hulu.  When I am really, really bored, I will watch a completely pointless and usually stupid tv show, just for the heck of it.  One of those shows for me is the Bachelorette/Bachelor.  I find the show completely ridiculous and not at all realistic.  I mean, there have been I don't know how many seasons and only two couples have been married.  Don't ask me how I know that.  The likelihood of someone finding their future spouse on a drama filled tv show where 25 random guys or girls are picked is just really out there.  Only God could work that one out for the good.

Because of A Knife

Isn't it funny the things that bring people together again?  There's that person that you've had a falling out with or you just grew apart or something happened, and you figure that it's all over, nothing is ever going to change that, and in some cases, maybe you don't want it to change.  I had that happen recently.  If you had told me six months ago that I would be talking with ex BFF, trying to hang out and sitting next to each other, I would have told you to go have your head examined.  No lie.  And if you had told me that the even that would cause us to really start talking would be me going to her house to borrow a knife, I would have sent you to an institution.

Don't Fall

Pretty much everyone has heard the quote "Don't make a girl fall for you, if you have no intention of catching her." I can't tell you how often I have seen and heard this quote. One of the most common ways I've heard it, is when a girl likes a guy, but he has no interest her. So she'll got on about how he made her fall for him, but he didn't catch her, which obviously was not his fault. So, honestly, I've gotten kind of sick of hearing this quote. On the one hand, I do like it, just not used in that way. However, I did find a quote that I really love and that fits perfectly.

Time Heals

You know so often we hear the phrase that time heals all wounds. I'm just beginning to learn how long that time is. It's been nearly two months since my grandfather passed away, yet the pain is still there. Pictures of him, songs that make me think of him, little things he gave to me, even thinking about him will still make me dissolve into tears. I've never known a pain like this before and there are still days when I ask God why He had to do this, or why He couldn't have at least chosen a different time. There are days that I still kick myself over and over again for not spending more time with my grandfather, still days that I think that it was all my fault, cause somehow I did something that caused all this to happen.

Surprise and Delight

So, again, I'm blogging about what I'm learning at the tea room. There are just so many awesome things to learn there, I could probably write several books. But what I wanted to talk about today, is serving. I'm a server at the tea room. Now for me, most of the time I think of a server as someone who takes your order, brings your food, then maybe checks in on you every great once in a while. There's really not a whole lot of interaction and for the most part, they have this attitude of, "This is a job, this is a job, this a job." They don't seem to be there to really serve.

Steeping in God's Word

Okay, so weird title, right? Well, it is unless you're into tea. So, again, I've been learning a LOT at the tea room. Everything from how to set up food trays and arrange the food on them to setting the tables, from making tea to making resets. There's a whole lot to learn, but something I got thinking about now, is something that I just learned from watching the tea being made.

Now, when you make tea, you only want to let it steep for a certain amount of time or else it either gets really bitter or it loses all its flavor. Steep it too little and you get watery tea. Steep it just right and you have the perfect pot of tea. With that in mind, I kind of thought of a kind of "parable" similar to the one about the seed and the soil. This is kind of how I figured it.

Time to Pray

So, as most of you probably know, I am now working at the St. James Tea Room. It is truly the best job I have ever had, despite the fact that I have the tendency to stress myself out and overthink things. Still, God has been teaching me a lot through it and I wouldn't change a thing. And today, God taught me a truly important lesson.

Heart versus Mind

One of the quotes I hear most these days is "Listen to your heart" or "Follow your heart." As a matter of fact I just did a cover the other day of a song called Listen to Your Heart. But should we actually listen to and follow our hearts? I don't think so. "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9) This is one of the first verses I ever learned in AWANA. But so often times we still listen to our hearts especially when comes to relationships. For me, when I like a guy, my heart tells me to run before I walk, and I can tell you, I already have a problem of falling way too hard, way too fast. My heart will tell me that he's perfect, he's the one. And when my head reminds me of the little things that might be an obstacle in our relationship, my heart simply tells my head to shut up and that love conquers all. In other words, my heart says go and my head says no. Typically for me, neither wins exactly. Obviously I'm still single and I've only dated one guy, so I've never had the guts to walk up to a guy I like and ask him out or anything, but on the other hand, that doesn't mean that I don't stop thinking about him.

Sometimes I Wonder

So, it's almost 11:30 at night, I've slept less than 24 hours in the past week, and I'm blogging. Yeah, I must be crazy. In any case though, I will make this short. I just saw something tonight that got me thinking, a dangerous thing indeed. It was one of the things you can "like" on facebook that talked about how guys don't realize how much work girls put into making themselves look nice for them. That just randomly got me wondering if that's true. I mean, a lot of girls are like that, including me. We spend hours making sure our makeup is perfect, straightening or curling our hair and burning ourselves in the process, picking out that perfect outfit, everything, just in the hopes of impressing our boyfriend or the guy we like. So, do the guys notice? I'm sure some of them do, but I'm not sure how common that is. Anyway, completely random, but I found it kind of interesting. And I haven't blogged in a long time, so I just thought I would throw that out.

My Grandpa, My Hero

Growing up, I had two main men in my life: my dad and my grandpa. My grandpa was there from the moment I was born. One of the first people to hold me and he was there almost every day afterward. There were times when I spent more time at my grandparents than at my own home. We did so many things together. It was my grandfather who taught me how to fish, to love being outside. I went camping with him and my grandmother and my parents countless times. He taught me how to ride a horse and taught me all about them. There were many times that we went riding with me sitting in front of him on the saddle. He gave me my love for horses. Together we must have put together at least a hundred puzzles, if not more, seeing who could put together the most pieces. Together we planted blackberries and raspberries, eagerly awaiting their fruit. Once, when we saw the Energizer Bunny balloon setting down in a clearing not far from their house, we ran to go see it and got to touch it. He took me on bike rides, he took me to the park. He joked and could always make me laugh. We played solitaire together and a hundred other games. He was my best friend. He saw me at my best and at my worst.

Open Eyes

So, as some of you all know, my family is moving back into town to a house that will allow my grandparents on my dad's side to come live with us. This move is what I was talking about in my last blog. Basically, just as I said then, I've been really, really struggling with it. What's made it worse is that a lot of people, particularly close friends, have been acting like it's not a really a big deal and I should just get over it. Not easy for me. I am a very emotional person and I get attached to things and people very quickly, and very easily. I have lived in this house for almost eight years. The best memories I have happened while we were living at this house. The best friend I ever had, our first dog, Shiloh, is buried in our backyard. This move means leaving him behind. There have been so many emotions going through that I've felt like I was being ripped apart. On the one hand there's the part of me that understands that we need to do this. My grandparents really do need our help, particularly my grandfather. It's being hammered home even now as my grandfather is in the hospital with the flu and is barely coherent. But then there's the selfish part of me that doesn't want to leave. That reminds me that this place we're going to is the last place I would ever want to live. Not just because of it's location which is bad enough, but also because it's so old and it doesn't feel like home. There's also the fact that this has all happened so fast that I'm still trying to process it. My life has become one endless cycle of work and packing. The only time I see any of my friends is on Sundays at church for a couple hours and most of that time is spent in the service and Sunday School, so there is very little time for interaction. And therein lies my other fear of moving. Already I feel as if my friends are slipping away as I barely see them anymore and when I do it feels like it's just hi and bye almost. And if I'm living in town, at least thirty minutes away from them, how is that going to affect our relationship.

He Said He'll Never Let Me Go

So, I haven't blogged in a long time...again. A lot of that has been because although there is a lot of stuff that's going on in my life right now, major stuff, I'm not allowed to talk about it quite yet. So, I'll just talk about some of the things I've been learning from it.

So, yeah, there are some very major changes going on in my life right now and I will fully admit that I hate it and I mean really hate it. It's been feeling like my world's coming apart, like I'm being torn apart inside. Most of that is due to myself and the fact that I am fighting tooth and nail against all that's happening.