Heart versus Mind

One of the quotes I hear most these days is "Listen to your heart" or "Follow your heart." As a matter of fact I just did a cover the other day of a song called Listen to Your Heart. But should we actually listen to and follow our hearts? I don't think so. "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9) This is one of the first verses I ever learned in AWANA. But so often times we still listen to our hearts especially when comes to relationships. For me, when I like a guy, my heart tells me to run before I walk, and I can tell you, I already have a problem of falling way too hard, way too fast. My heart will tell me that he's perfect, he's the one. And when my head reminds me of the little things that might be an obstacle in our relationship, my heart simply tells my head to shut up and that love conquers all. In other words, my heart says go and my head says no. Typically for me, neither wins exactly. Obviously I'm still single and I've only dated one guy, so I've never had the guts to walk up to a guy I like and ask him out or anything, but on the other hand, that doesn't mean that I don't stop thinking about him.

Sometimes I Wonder

So, it's almost 11:30 at night, I've slept less than 24 hours in the past week, and I'm blogging. Yeah, I must be crazy. In any case though, I will make this short. I just saw something tonight that got me thinking, a dangerous thing indeed. It was one of the things you can "like" on facebook that talked about how guys don't realize how much work girls put into making themselves look nice for them. That just randomly got me wondering if that's true. I mean, a lot of girls are like that, including me. We spend hours making sure our makeup is perfect, straightening or curling our hair and burning ourselves in the process, picking out that perfect outfit, everything, just in the hopes of impressing our boyfriend or the guy we like. So, do the guys notice? I'm sure some of them do, but I'm not sure how common that is. Anyway, completely random, but I found it kind of interesting. And I haven't blogged in a long time, so I just thought I would throw that out.

My Grandpa, My Hero

Growing up, I had two main men in my life: my dad and my grandpa. My grandpa was there from the moment I was born. One of the first people to hold me and he was there almost every day afterward. There were times when I spent more time at my grandparents than at my own home. We did so many things together. It was my grandfather who taught me how to fish, to love being outside. I went camping with him and my grandmother and my parents countless times. He taught me how to ride a horse and taught me all about them. There were many times that we went riding with me sitting in front of him on the saddle. He gave me my love for horses. Together we must have put together at least a hundred puzzles, if not more, seeing who could put together the most pieces. Together we planted blackberries and raspberries, eagerly awaiting their fruit. Once, when we saw the Energizer Bunny balloon setting down in a clearing not far from their house, we ran to go see it and got to touch it. He took me on bike rides, he took me to the park. He joked and could always make me laugh. We played solitaire together and a hundred other games. He was my best friend. He saw me at my best and at my worst.

Open Eyes

So, as some of you all know, my family is moving back into town to a house that will allow my grandparents on my dad's side to come live with us. This move is what I was talking about in my last blog. Basically, just as I said then, I've been really, really struggling with it. What's made it worse is that a lot of people, particularly close friends, have been acting like it's not a really a big deal and I should just get over it. Not easy for me. I am a very emotional person and I get attached to things and people very quickly, and very easily. I have lived in this house for almost eight years. The best memories I have happened while we were living at this house. The best friend I ever had, our first dog, Shiloh, is buried in our backyard. This move means leaving him behind. There have been so many emotions going through that I've felt like I was being ripped apart. On the one hand there's the part of me that understands that we need to do this. My grandparents really do need our help, particularly my grandfather. It's being hammered home even now as my grandfather is in the hospital with the flu and is barely coherent. But then there's the selfish part of me that doesn't want to leave. That reminds me that this place we're going to is the last place I would ever want to live. Not just because of it's location which is bad enough, but also because it's so old and it doesn't feel like home. There's also the fact that this has all happened so fast that I'm still trying to process it. My life has become one endless cycle of work and packing. The only time I see any of my friends is on Sundays at church for a couple hours and most of that time is spent in the service and Sunday School, so there is very little time for interaction. And therein lies my other fear of moving. Already I feel as if my friends are slipping away as I barely see them anymore and when I do it feels like it's just hi and bye almost. And if I'm living in town, at least thirty minutes away from them, how is that going to affect our relationship.

He Said He'll Never Let Me Go

So, I haven't blogged in a long time...again. A lot of that has been because although there is a lot of stuff that's going on in my life right now, major stuff, I'm not allowed to talk about it quite yet. So, I'll just talk about some of the things I've been learning from it.

So, yeah, there are some very major changes going on in my life right now and I will fully admit that I hate it and I mean really hate it. It's been feeling like my world's coming apart, like I'm being torn apart inside. Most of that is due to myself and the fact that I am fighting tooth and nail against all that's happening.

Starlight Tears

At the center of an island
Many oceans away
Where there is only night and never day,
A young maiden sits.
Her hair is pale as the moon
And her eyes as deep and dark as the heavens
She wears a stained white gown
And cries her starlight tears.

In His Time

So, yesterday I blogged that I had decided that it was high time that I turn back to God and give Him control of my life cause I just hadn't been doing that and I'd been doing my own thing. Well, yesterday, I was given the perfect example of God taking care of His people if the choose to follow Him. For months now, ever since I came back home from college, I have been searching for a job. I've turned in innumerable applications, spent hours on my computer filling out applications there, flipped through newspaper ads, gone online, etc. I've gone into town several days a week to go check out places and did everything I thought I could. Thanksgiving Day, my grandfather tells me that he saw in the newspaper that Smith's was hiring. It didn't say which Smith's just in general. He told me to go online and fill out an application. So, that night I filled out the application, fully excepting it to be overlooked like every single time before.

Out with the Old, In with the New

Recently, I've been struggling with a lot of stuff. Some pretty major emotional up and downs and changes. And finally, finally, today, I kind of just thought through things and decided that I really, really needed to get out of this rut that I've been digging myself into for years. I needed to turn around and give everything to God and let Him handle it. I also realized that part of the reason I was having such serious emotional issues, was because of my music. I'm a Christian, yes, but that doesn't mean that I only listen to Christian music. I've come to realize that little by little I had removed the majority of my Christian music from my MP3 player to make room for newer non-Christian music I had either heard our found. As I thought about it today, I realized that at least 3/4 of my music was not Christian, and about 1/2 of it was not edifying or really good in any way. I realized that I had started to subtly move towards some edgier music. Nothing explicit, but maybe a curse word here or there or a mild suggestion. But it was affecting me, and not in a good way.

The Gift of Friendship

There are many times when we take friends for granted. We assume they're always going to be there, that we'll be friends forever, that nothing will change or destroy that friendship. In one instant, in one act, you can lose the best friend you ever had. Over time, from petty little arguments and deeds, a friendship can fall apart. I've learned both of these from personal experience. And losing those friends, can be heart breaking. My dad always told me, that friendship is like a garden. You need to water it, to nurture it, to prune it to keep it healthy and to allow those plants to grow to their full potential. You need to have the initiative to take care of that garden and you need to be willing to give the time needed to care for it. It's exactly the same with friendship. You need to take care of that friendship, stay in contact, spend time together. When you don't any of that, the friendship starts to die. And there are times, when that friendship can't be revived.

I have personally had three friendships that died. God has been very gracious in giving me another chance with one of those friendships. Unfortunately, it seems like the other two might be gone forever.

Saying Goodbye

So tonight, unfortunately, was my last night with my youth group since I'll be heading back to college on Sunday. For me it's very hard to be leaving because I really have nothing to look forward to at Eastern except for my classes. I don't really have any friends there and since I'm really shy when I'm around people I don't know, I sometimes find it difficult to find friends. It also doesn't help that I have yet to find a good Bible Study group or church or anything. Here I have some pretty amazing friends, old and new. I have an awesome church that I absolutely love. I have my family all close by so I can go see them basically any time I want. So, needless to say, I'm going to very seriously miss home.

But, as in all things, God is faithful. This has been a very, very hard year so far and through it all, God has been there and has helped strengthen me. I have learned to trust Him in all things. I have been reminded that God has a plan and that, no matter how painful things get, no matter what happens, God does not make mistakes and there is something to be learned in everything. He has taught me patience in dealing with others. There have been times, especially when I was at school, when I have struggled with depression. Yet through it all, God has lifted me from the darkness and back into His glorious light, healing my heart and giving me strength.