I started writing this several months ago and never finished it. I just rediscovered it and decided I would finish it finally. =) So here it is.
The other day, I was trawling through Facebook just seeing if anything interesting was going on, when I saw a status update from a girl I used to go to college with a couple years ago. I just stopped and stared at it for a few seconds. I was completely in shock. Her words were the same words I had thought to myself hundreds of times over the last few years. In a way, I was amazed that someone else felt the exact same way that I did. Honestly, it really isn't all that surprising, but since it was something I'd never talked to anyone about before, it did seem surprising to me. It was also comforting to know that I wasn't the only person to feel like this: "Most days I'm content with being alone, but sometimes when I watch a movie or read a book that has a love story in it, or when I see lovers holding hands and kissing, I realize that even though I'm content with being alone, I don't want to be lonely. I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to experience this thing called, Love ♥."
The other day, I was trawling through Facebook just seeing if anything interesting was going on, when I saw a status update from a girl I used to go to college with a couple years ago. I just stopped and stared at it for a few seconds. I was completely in shock. Her words were the same words I had thought to myself hundreds of times over the last few years. In a way, I was amazed that someone else felt the exact same way that I did. Honestly, it really isn't all that surprising, but since it was something I'd never talked to anyone about before, it did seem surprising to me. It was also comforting to know that I wasn't the only person to feel like this: "Most days I'm content with being alone, but sometimes when I watch a movie or read a book that has a love story in it, or when I see lovers holding hands and kissing, I realize that even though I'm content with being alone, I don't want to be lonely. I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to experience this thing called, Love ♥."
Like I said I was a bit shocked. And I realized after reading it that the reason I was surprised was partially because every time I have thoughts like that, I feel guilty, ungrateful. Because its obviously God's will for me to be single for the time being and yet here I am wanting to be in a relationship. So whenever I've get these feelings, I tend to stuff them down and like I said, I'm ashamed of them. The result of all this has been that I pretty much avoid watching any kind of romance movies or starting to watch any tv shows with romance or reading books that have romance. To say the least, it has been an interesting endeavor since almost all of my movies have some element of romance in them as do most of my books. But I can't avoid seeing all the romance that goes around in the world or the fact that every time I get on Facebook it seems that someone else I know is in a new relationship, is engaged, or something. Case in point, a girl I know got engaged about a week ago. In reality, I know that's exaggerating it a little bit, but there are days when that's what it seems like.
But I've discovered the more I try to stuff things down, to hide the feelings that surface, the more I find that when my grip slips and the perfect little bundle starts to come undone, the harder the feelings hit. And then I get angry at myself for losing my self-control and letting those feelings slip through. It's pretty much become a never-ending cycle and it sucks. And then I thought that maybe I shouldn't be trying to stuff those feelings down, maybe I shouldn't be so ashamed of them, maybe in moderation, they might be okay.
That's where I had stopped previously, so from that point I'll tell you what happened with my idea of moderation with all this.
So it turns out moderation is a good thing and far easier than stuffing, believe it or not. That doesn't mean that its perfect, I still have my days where I struggle, but its definitely gotten easier. And praying about it has definitely helped a lot. And also making myself realize that not wanting to be single for the rest of my life is pretty normal. That doesn't always make waiting for Prince Charming easier, but its also nice to not feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. I've also gotten better at accepting that this is where God wants me for now. I was reminded of what a woman I know said to me, that my single years are a blessing, cause in some ways those are the years that I can serve God the most, cause I don't have to be worried about dealing with a boyfriend or husband or kids or anything like that. My life is completely open for God to work in. So I've been holding onto that and trying to see where God might be leading me with that. And that's been pretty exciting. But even so, since I've never really experienced love in a relationship, there are days when I also look forward to this thing called love. <3>
That's where I had stopped previously, so from that point I'll tell you what happened with my idea of moderation with all this.
So it turns out moderation is a good thing and far easier than stuffing, believe it or not. That doesn't mean that its perfect, I still have my days where I struggle, but its definitely gotten easier. And praying about it has definitely helped a lot. And also making myself realize that not wanting to be single for the rest of my life is pretty normal. That doesn't always make waiting for Prince Charming easier, but its also nice to not feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. I've also gotten better at accepting that this is where God wants me for now. I was reminded of what a woman I know said to me, that my single years are a blessing, cause in some ways those are the years that I can serve God the most, cause I don't have to be worried about dealing with a boyfriend or husband or kids or anything like that. My life is completely open for God to work in. So I've been holding onto that and trying to see where God might be leading me with that. And that's been pretty exciting. But even so, since I've never really experienced love in a relationship, there are days when I also look forward to this thing called love. <3>
I really liked this, Morgan! Thanks for being so honest in your posts. :)
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