Devil:1, Me:0/For the Love of Teddy

So, this is kind of a double entry about two separate things that also connect.  I could make it into two separate entries, but its almost 1 in the morning, so I'm probably being a bit lazy.  It shouldn't be too confusing though.

So earlier tonight I decided that I wanted to journal about how amazing last night was.  It was just one of those nights that you want to remember forever and want to be able to look back on in the future.  This was different for me.  I used to journal all the time, but for about a year now, I haven't journaled at all.  It used to be just a part of my daily life.  At the end of the day, I would journal about what I'd done, what had happened, things that were on mind, people, etc.  It was just a ritual that came naturally.  Oh, and every one of those entries started with, "Dear, God".  So even if I had forgotten to read my Bible that day or had failed to make the time for it, I still had that time at night when I spent thirty minutes to an hour talking to God and just spending time with Him.  I always enjoy that time because not only was it a good way to vent when I needed to get something off my chest, but I also loved the feeling of just being able to completely open up to someone and have them listen and not have to worry that if I told Him this or that, He was going to reject me.

But, as I looked through all the previous entries in my journal, I saw that they stopped around mid-January of 2011.  That was right around the time that my family was starting to seriously talk about my grandparents moving in with us and we were starting to house hunt.  Why I don't have any entries around that time, I don't know.  I can't remember.  I'm guessing though, that I simply couldn't, not in that I couldn't find the journal to write it all down in, but in that writing it all out would make it true.  And I simply couldn't bring myself to make the fact that we were moving into Albuquerque true, because if it was written out, well, then it couldn't be true.  You have to understand that with me, I am fantastic at denying things in my mind.  When my dog suddenly had a stroke while we were on vacation and then died after we got him home and found out that he had cancer, all the way back out to Lake Powell and throughout the rest of that vacation I was in complete denial.  I simply couldn't believe that the dog I had grown up with was dead and gone and I came up with every scenario possible as to where he was and why he wasn't with us up until the moment I couldn't deny the fact that he was gone any longer.  So it was the same with the move.  Up until it actually happened I could deny it.

The next entry came nearly a full year later towards the end of April.  It was incredibly short, just half a page, but those lines were so depressing because in them I confirmed two of the most devastating events of my life:  my family's move back into Albuquerque and my grandfather's death.  Writing them down meant that it was real, that my whole life had changed and that's exactly what I said.  "Isn't it amazing how much things can change in a year?"  So why is there that big blank, over a year without a single entry?  Because I was angry and hurt and I blamed God.  The thing is, I was mad at God for allowing my family to consider moving back into Albuquerque, for starting to make it all happen.  That's when I stopped journaling.  Maybe I would have started up again once the shock and the initial anger started to fade, but instead my grandfather died and that was something I simply could not get over, could not "forgive" God for doing.  Because as things for the move started going forward, my grandfather seemed to be the only person in my life who understood how devastating, how hard this was all going to be and then God took him and I felt like I was left with nobody, just a bunch of people who thought I was seriously overreacting.

So for a year I stayed angry at God and I wouldn't journal.  There were times when I felt like I really should, when I felt almost compelled to journal, but every time, something convinced me not to:  a reminder that I was living somewhere I couldn't stand, that my grandfather was gone, the feeling it wouldn't do me any good, etc.  That was the devil.  I knew it nearly every time, that it was him planting these seeds in my mind, that he didn't want me to journal because it would help me, because it would make all the difference in helping me get back on track with God, and every time, I'm ashamed to admit, I let him win.  I put the pen down, put my journal back in the drawer and went about my day as if nothing had happened.  For over a year, I didn't fight the devil, I just let him win, and every time it happened, I fought less and less, until got the point where I thought about journaling and then instantly dismissed it.

I'm not sure what caused the change tonight, why it wasn't a fight to write everything down, I'll probably never know.  But what I do know was that for the first time in over a year, I was reminded of the kind of release I used to experience in pouring everything out to God.  So devil's voice or not, I plan on making this a habit again and working at strengthening my relationship with God again.

The second part of this blog post ties in with my journaling because I wrote about this event almost two years ago and I guess I just kind of wanted to share.  Nearly two years ago, I was working at the Smith's at Edgewood.  Honestly, I absolutely hated that job and the only good thing I got from it, was a giant teddy bear named Teddy.  Not the most original name, but I actually named him that not because he's a teddy bear, but because it was the nickname my ex gave me when we were dating and it was and still is, the only nickname given to me that I have actually liked.  For two years he has been my best friend.  He's seen me at my highest and lowest, he's been my dance partner as I've waltzed around my room, he's my movie buddy, he sleeps with me every night, I've cried into his fur countless times, hugged him everyday since I got him, and told him everything there is to know about me.  Honestly, I can't imagine how I would have gotten through the last year especially without him.  The funny thing is, the only reason I got him originally was because he was on sale and I'd always wanted a giant teddy bear.  I never imagined that he would mean so much to me, that he would be so special.  So even though he's a not as fluffy as he used to be, even though I've had to sew the little rips and tears he's gotten back together, even though he's just a stuffed animal, and even though I'm now 21 years old, I can't imagine life without him.  So, God, thank you for putting him in the "for sale" cart right by where I was working.  I have no doubt that He knew that I would have a major struggle ahead of me in the next couple years and I would need something to help me get through.  I never would have guessed that it would be a giant teddy bear, but I'm so glad that it was.  Thank you.