In any case, I've really come to the conclusion this year that I am really bad with things ending. Whether that be a portion of my life, a relationship of some kind, a book, a movie, whatever, I just don't handle it well. And I guess along with that you could say that I don't handle change all that well either. When my family moved into Albuquerque last year, I struggled with it a lot. Before everything was finalized for the house, I quite literally spent hours poring over page after page of house listings looking for anything that was closer to the mountains I called home. And when we finally moved, I cried for days, sobbing into my giant teddy bear, mentally screaming at God every accusation that came into my head. And I'm still not over that. Even thinking about it I can feel the lump in my throat and the tears making the computer screen blur. After a year, I realize that there's still a lot of pain and anger over all of this. I don't show it as much. Actually, for the most part I don't think anyone knows how hard some days are. But there are still nights when I lay awake crying in my bear's fur, screaming at God. My "theme song" recently has been a song by Taylor Swift called Never Grow Up. It's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard because it's so completely relate-able to so many ages of people, whether it be kids, teens and young adults, or parents. So that's the really major area in my life that I've discovered that I don't handle change or endings well.
Another place I've noticed in the last year that's just kind of weird and in some ways kind of funny is my reaction to the end of the Harry Potter films. I went to the premiere of the 8th and final film last year and I have not seen a single Harry Potter movie since then. Honestly I think the reason is that I feel if I watch them again, I'm acknowledging the fact that story of the boy I quite literally grew up with, is over. Maybe part of its just a self-defense kind of thing, that after all the changes in the past year, my mind's not ready to lose something else too. I'm not sure, but it is kind of weird, especially since I can still read the books just fine and love every second of them. I'm kind of guessing it's because the movies came out after the books and watching them again would make it really final. I am so weird.
I also have that struggle in books. One of my favorite fantasy authors is Anne McCaffrey. Or rather was, I just looker her up to check the spelling of her name and realized that she died in November of last year. In any case, despite the fact that her books occasionally had some questionable morals and scenes, her writing was brilliant and I loved every second of it. Several years ago, I planned on reading every single one of her books. That is until I read All the Weyrs of Pern. Long story short, she killed my favorite character of all her books. Now most people have a favorite character or characters in any book they read, but this particular character was in many of her books that I had read and was a fairly central character too. Like with Harry, Hermione, and Ron in Harry Potter, I felt I knew this character, though on a different level as he was an older man, and his death crushed me. I haven't read a single one of her books since I finished that book. Although I suppose it was a good way to end, because in this book, at the very end, one of the characters quotes part of one of my favorite verses in Scripture from Ecclesiastes: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." That was the first and only time in all her books I read that she quoted Scripture. So even though I don't read the books anymore, I still remember that.
And the final one I have to note is another book, or rather series of books. I have a thing of growing up reading series of books, and this is no different. For years, and honestly I don't know how many since I started reading them in Elementary school, I have read a series of books that goes by the name Redwall. They are the most unique books I have ever read, yet they are some of my favorites. From talking with other people, its basically one of those things that you either love them or you hate them. In any case, I have read these books for years, constantly checking as to when the next one would be out. By the way, the first book, Redwall, was published in 1986 and the author, Brian Jacques, has been adding to the series since. Anyway, this author who I had adored for years passed away last February. And once again I was crushed when I found out. I couldn't imagine him not writing more of his grand adventures that I have read and re-read over and over again. In any case, his last book was published post-humously and I immediately ordered it. I got it back in May. I started and finished reading it just over a week ago. Again, it was one of those cases that despite the fact I desperately wanted to read another one of his amazing books, there was also the overshadowing knowledge that this was to be the last of those adventures. And so I struggled with myself until I finally read it and loved every second of it. I own every single one of his Redwall books, as well as all three books of a trilogy he wrote. Just looking up at his books which take up almost two whole shelves (there are 25 altogether), I can't help but smile as I think about how much fun I've had reading those books. Many of them are quite literally falling apart because I've read them so much. But unlike the other books and movies, I'm fairly certain I'll be re-reading these ones before long. Sailing across uncharted waters, wandering among the trees of Mossflower Wood, fighting various vermin, and yelling the warcry I've known since I was a kid. Eulalia!!!!!
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