Don't Let It End

I'm sorry if this post is a bit rambly and weird.  I was just writing as things came to mind, and my mind works differently after I haven't slept all night.  So hopefully it all makes sense. LOL

In any case, I've really come to the conclusion this year that I am really bad with things ending.  Whether that be a portion of my life, a relationship of some kind, a book, a movie, whatever, I just don't handle it well.  And I guess along with that you could say that I don't handle change all that well either.  When my family moved into Albuquerque last year, I struggled with it a lot.  Before everything was finalized for the house, I quite literally spent hours poring over page after page of house listings looking for anything that was closer to the mountains I called home.  And when we finally moved, I cried for days, sobbing into my giant teddy bear, mentally screaming at God every accusation that came into my head.  And I'm still not over that.  Even thinking about it I can feel the lump in my throat and the tears making the computer screen blur.  After a year, I realize that there's still a lot of pain and anger over all of this.  I don't show it as much.  Actually, for the most part I don't think anyone knows how hard some days are.  But there are still nights when I lay awake crying in my bear's fur, screaming at God.  My "theme song" recently has been a song by Taylor Swift called Never Grow Up.  It's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard because it's so completely relate-able to so many ages of people, whether it be kids, teens and young adults, or parents.  So that's the really major area in my life that I've discovered that I don't handle change or endings well.

Serving the Lord at Home

A couple days ago I blogged about how I was working at planning a trip to Japan with Samaritan's Purse to help with the rebuilding going on there.  I also mentioned that I wasn't sure if I would be able to go because the page said they were looking for experienced carpenters.  As it turns out, I'm not going to be able to go because I don't have the experience needed, which on the one hand is disappointing, but I'm also really glad because just knowing about it got me really interested in working with Samaritan's Purse period.

Innocent or Not?

Alright, so I did a Harry Potter blog post, now I'm going to do a Twilight one, mostly because I've had several friends recently ask me why I dislike Twilight so much.  Now I'm just going to talk about the books.  If I did the books and movies, it would be a novel, seriously.

To start off with, I've heard numerous parents and other people talk about how they think the books are so innocent which honestly makes me question whether or not they have actually read them.  As far as I can see, there is nothing innocent about these books.  And I'm not basing that just on the fact I don't like these books, but on what I've thought and seen critics and others agree with and also based on what the Bible describes as wrong.  So first I'm going to talk about my personal dislikes of the books and then go into the serious reasons I have issues with.

How Strong Am I?

Ever have that moment where everything suddenly changes and you're trying to decide if something is worth doing after all?  That's kinda where I am.  My mom and I had talked about her going with me to Phoenix, AZ so I can audition for the Biggest Loser.  That way we could have some time off to hang out together and just get away at the same time that I was trying to get a place on the show.  Well, me being me, I kept forgetting to talk to her about it in more detail after our initial conversation.  It was one of those things that I would think about it when I was home and she wasn't and then when she got home I would forget.  I also just didn't see her much.  In any case, when I finally did talk to her about it several days ago, it turns out she thought I had changed my mind and she was going to be working Tuesday through Thursday, right when we were planning to be gone.  My first reaction was to be angry, which was stupid since it was my fault, and my second reaction was to completely freak out.

What's Going Without Saying Should Be Said

So this post might seem slightly random to some people, but to me its really not.  Today my family's having a kind of birthday party for my grandmother on my mom's side.  It's definitely not going to be your typical kind of party though.  First of all, its at an assisted living facility where my grandmother lives.  And second, there's no telling how many of us she'll even recognize.  My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia last year.  That was something new for all of us to deal with, but I don't think any of us were expecting her to deteriorate so fast.  In a matter of months, basically between August till Christmas Day, she went from the sassy, almost bratty, tiny grandma I knew to this feeble, emotional person who called me Esther.  She had no clue who I was or who my cousin was.  Not exactly the best Christmas one would hope for.

Chance of a Lifetime

One of these days I'll stop blogging at midnight, but I doubt it'll be anytime soon.  Pretty much all inspiration comes to me sometime around or after midnight.  It's really bad.

In any case, I did want to share a really amazing opportunity a very dear friend of mine shared with me.  She and her husband have a passion for working in disaster areas to help rebuild.  She just recently got back from spending several months in Japan working at rebuilding homes.  It is truly her passion and she shared that passion with me.  Hearing her talking about her experience made me remember how much I used to love going down to Mexico and doing missionary work down there.  Now granted, Japan is very different since it's Samaritan's Purse and they're doing construction whereas when my church youth group would go down to Mexico, we mostly did VBS and outreach with very little construction work.  Well, as she was telling me about her experience, she asked me if that would be something I would like to do.  My answer:  Heck, yes!

Taking a Chance

Anybody who knows me knows that I'm overweight.  Okay, actually, I'll just be honest, I'm fat.  And it sucks.  But I'm not going to bore you with a really long sob story or anything, because I'm actually pretty excited.  As of two days ago, I am in the running to be on the Biggest Loser.  My parents and friends think I'm pretty much crazy, but I'm really excited and pretty darned determined to do this.  Remember, I'm stubborn.

Pre-registration is done, my application is over half filled out, and my mom and I are flying out to Phoenix on the 20th for some much needed girl time as well as for my audition.  So this was pretty short, but I just wanted to share because I am so super excited to take advantage of this opportunity!

The Only Thing Holding Me Back, Is Me

As I said a few posts ago, I just started my new job a few days ago and while it is one of the most difficult jobs I have had to do just emotionally as well as mentally, it is also the most fun job I have ever had.  Being able to talk to people just one on one and not have to be rushed or be trying to keep a million things straight in my head is just so wonderful.  Also not coming home with my feet aching from standing on them for hours at a time or my back killing me from constantly bending over and lifting heavy buckets or trays is just such a blessing.  I can tell you that my intake of ibuprofen has at least been halved.  But while all of that is amazing, this job has truly forced me to go outside my comfort zone.  Calling people I barely know and asking them to let me come into their house to show them a product is just uncomfortable for me.  So getting the courage to press the send button on my cell phone has become a real challenge.  Also trying not to get discouraged when I don't make a sale is hard.  A lot of people know that I have some self-esteem issues so when I don't make a sale, I just automatically start to kick myself and call myself a failure.  Yeah, I am definitely not my own biggest fan.