When I can't sleep or I'm up late reading a book or doing something on my computer, I tend to think a lot. Tonight was a reading night and now it's almost 2 o'clock and I'm still awake and thinking and looking at facebook. Now normally I don't look at people's pages all that often. But tonight I was looking at some friend's pages and a few of them were recently engaged or in a relationship and had pictures up. Looking at the pictures of them so happy in love I felt that familiar clenching of my heart that's part pain, part jealousy. And as I kept looking at the pictures of these people that I had graduated with or were only slightly older than me, I felt all the doubts coming back. Doubting that God had someone out there for me, doubting that anyone could ever possibly love me, doubting that I could ever truly love someone again myself. And then there was the jealousy too. Why did they get someone and I didn't? Why couldn't I have that? In a matter of minutes, I was dealing with a full on war between my heart and my head. My head telling me that I was right to doubt and that my jealousy was rational, reasonable, that my heart was naive. And then there was my heart telling me to trust God and remember that He has a plan for me even though I can't see it and also telling my head to shut up.
This is probably one of my greatest struggles in life. Because many times when I watch a romance or see a happy couple, I have this internal struggle and constant questioning of when is it going to be my turn. When is my knight in shining armor going to appear? And each time I try to understand why I have to wait. What does God still have to teach me before I can meet the man He has for me? And the more I think about it, I think I do know, but it doesn't make it any easier. Because deep down, even though there are times when I really want a boyfriend and long for that companionship and love, I know that I'm not ready. I'm not capable of loving someone the way I should. For me, even after almost three years, the pain of my first and last relationship is still affecting me. I still have a wall up, a wall of fear and pain that keeps me closed off from others. There's the terror of being abandoned that makes me reluctant to let anyone get too close to prevent myself from getting hurt if my worst fears come true. That kind of wall has to be torn down before a truly meaningful friendship can be reached and certainly before a relationship can really begin.
So even though I often struggle with God's desire for me to wait and there are many days when I find myself hurting because in three years I haven't had a single guy ask me out on a date or even show any kind of interest in me, I'm also thankful that because of this, I haven't entered into any kind of meaningless relationships. I haven't gone from guy to guy giving away a piece of my heart each time. And so days like today when the battle begins anew, I hold onto that thought and trust in God. Because, honestly, that's the best thing I can do. He has a plan.
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