Be Blessed and Smile

The last couple weeks I've been going to Calvary's college Bible study for teens.  While there are certain parts of the teaching I just can't agree with, there are two songs in particular that I've fallen in love with.  And funnily enough, they're both by the same artist:  Hillsong United.  So here they are.

The lyrics are just so awesome.  Though my favorite part is the last verse that's repeated.

Just Watch Me

In my post the other day I mentioned that I had finally found a new job that seemed to be absolutely perfect for what I needed.  Just as a recap, I'm going to be working in customer sales selling kitchen products.  So while I was over the moon about it, my parents were both skeptical and they let me know it.  The more they talked about how they didn't think I could do it, it wasn't practical, it was going to be hard, I should just say no and find something else, the more I found that I began to doubt myself.  This job has everything that I was looking for but my parents just couldn't seem to see that.  So instead of being encouraging and supportive, which was what I really needed, they tried to dissuade me.  This was honestly very reminiscent of when I told them I wanted to become an actress and wanted to major in theater when I went to college.  They slammed that down too, but after a year and a half of college where I learned very little and tried three different majors, they finally relented... rather reluctantly.

He Will Provide

Over the past year or so I've been really struggling with my faith, just doubting a lot and being angry at God for various things that have happened.  I've felt abandoned and hurt a lot and I turned a lot of that anger towards God.  But today I was reminded and shown that God does see me and He does care about me.

I quit my job at a local tearoom a month or so ago and have been out of a job since.  Along with that decision to quit my job there, I also decided to quit college.  Whether permanently or temporarily I'm still not sure and will have to see what happens in the future.  With those decisions I started looking for a full time job.  However, with pursuing an acting career, a full time schedule was going to be hard since calls to act as an extra are very sudden and times for rehearsals for a play can vary.  For several weeks I filled out applications and sent out e-mails with my resume attached and basically got nothing back, until yesterday.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Most mornings when I wake up, I have no clue as to what I dreamed about.  And even when I do remember, it's usually just bits and pieces.  But very, very rarely I will have complete recall.  Within the last couple of weeks I've had several dreams that I could remember perfectly.  I won't tell you about them because honestly they don't make any sense and they were just weird, though also quite funny.  Anyway, the one thing that stood out to me was that I was at home in every one of them.  Not home as in our house in Albuquerque, but our old house out in Edgewood.

Trusting Through the Doubt

When I can't sleep or I'm up late reading a book or doing something on my computer, I tend to think a lot.  Tonight was a reading night and now it's almost 2 o'clock and I'm still awake and thinking and looking at facebook.  Now normally I don't look at people's pages all that often.  But tonight I was looking at some friend's pages and a few of them were recently engaged or in a relationship and had pictures up.  Looking at the pictures of them so happy in love I felt that familiar clenching of my heart that's part pain, part jealousy.  And as I kept looking at the pictures of these people that I had graduated with  or were only slightly older than me, I felt all the doubts coming back.  Doubting that God had someone out there for me, doubting that anyone could ever possibly love me, doubting that I could ever truly love someone again myself.  And then there was the jealousy too.  Why did they get someone and I didn't?  Why couldn't I have that?  In a matter of minutes, I was dealing with a full on war between my heart and my head.  My head telling me that I was right to doubt and that my jealousy was rational, reasonable, that my heart was naive.  And then there was my heart telling me to trust God and remember that He has a plan for me even though I can't see it and also telling my head to shut up.