The closer and closer it gets to May and the more I know that I need to be getting stuff done and getting things together, I feel like more and more I'm just putting stuff off, that I'm in denial. Maybe its just because I'm scared. Its so exciting to talk about getting your own apartment, to be moving out for the first time, but when it actually comes down to it, its also frightening. To suddenly have all this responsibility thrust upon you, to suddenly have to consider so many more things, to realize that mom and dad won't be just down the hall to go talk to, to realize that you're going to be on your own in this unfamiliar place.
The closer it gets, the more frightened I realize I am. Scared that I'm going to completely screw up, scared of being on my own, scared of what its going to be like getting home from work and walking into an empty room and not having my mom to go chat with before heading to bed, scared of what it will be like not having all my pets around to randomly cheer me up when I'm down, scared of what it will be like to go outside and not see my dad tinkering with something on the trailer or the truck, I'm scared that everything that I have ever known is going to change. Anytime I ever left home, even when I was away at college, I always knew I was coming home. My parents will still be just down the road from me, but it still won't be the same.
I have a feeling that this will be good for me in a way, but I know its also going to be struggle, that its going to be a testing period for me as well. And quite honestly, I hate tests. And I think I'm most terrified of disappointing not just myself, but everyone else as well. I have this habit at times of just holding off, holding back when it comes to things that I'm afraid of. If I just ignore it enough, it'll just disappear. Obviously that doesn't work and I usually end up just making a mess for myself. I guess that's what I'm doing now. As I look around my messy room, I realize that despite all my best intentions to completely hate this house, it has become home. I never expected to have that happen, to finally be able to accept things. But I have, and its comfortable now and like most other people, I don't want to do something that's going to make me uncomfortable. But I think its time, that I move away from the comfortable, that I challenge myself. Its not going to be easy, I'm going to be dealing with a lot of things that I've never dealt with before. I know I'm going to miss my parents and my pets a lot, but I'll just have to keep in mind that they're just down the street and I can visit anytime.
Moving forward in life is scary, but I think the key is to not let the fear overcome you, to not let it get so bad that you just run for cover. You have to be aware of the fear, but let it drive you, let it serve to help you succeed. Temper it with courage and determination so that you're strong enough to keep pushing forward instead of just simply turning back. That's what I need to remember. Yes, this is a huge step for me, yes, its going to be hard, and, yes, I am terrified of the changes that I know are going to happen, but I'm not going to let the fear overcome me, I'm not going to let it send me running. I'm going to face it head on and I'm going to take each new challenge as it comes, and I plan on winning against each and every one of them.