Be Blessed and Smile

The last couple weeks I've been going to Calvary's college Bible study for teens.  While there are certain parts of the teaching I just can't agree with, there are two songs in particular that I've fallen in love with.  And funnily enough, they're both by the same artist:  Hillsong United.  So here they are.

The lyrics are just so awesome.  Though my favorite part is the last verse that's repeated.

Just Watch Me

In my post the other day I mentioned that I had finally found a new job that seemed to be absolutely perfect for what I needed.  Just as a recap, I'm going to be working in customer sales selling kitchen products.  So while I was over the moon about it, my parents were both skeptical and they let me know it.  The more they talked about how they didn't think I could do it, it wasn't practical, it was going to be hard, I should just say no and find something else, the more I found that I began to doubt myself.  This job has everything that I was looking for but my parents just couldn't seem to see that.  So instead of being encouraging and supportive, which was what I really needed, they tried to dissuade me.  This was honestly very reminiscent of when I told them I wanted to become an actress and wanted to major in theater when I went to college.  They slammed that down too, but after a year and a half of college where I learned very little and tried three different majors, they finally relented... rather reluctantly.

He Will Provide

Over the past year or so I've been really struggling with my faith, just doubting a lot and being angry at God for various things that have happened.  I've felt abandoned and hurt a lot and I turned a lot of that anger towards God.  But today I was reminded and shown that God does see me and He does care about me.

I quit my job at a local tearoom a month or so ago and have been out of a job since.  Along with that decision to quit my job there, I also decided to quit college.  Whether permanently or temporarily I'm still not sure and will have to see what happens in the future.  With those decisions I started looking for a full time job.  However, with pursuing an acting career, a full time schedule was going to be hard since calls to act as an extra are very sudden and times for rehearsals for a play can vary.  For several weeks I filled out applications and sent out e-mails with my resume attached and basically got nothing back, until yesterday.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Most mornings when I wake up, I have no clue as to what I dreamed about.  And even when I do remember, it's usually just bits and pieces.  But very, very rarely I will have complete recall.  Within the last couple of weeks I've had several dreams that I could remember perfectly.  I won't tell you about them because honestly they don't make any sense and they were just weird, though also quite funny.  Anyway, the one thing that stood out to me was that I was at home in every one of them.  Not home as in our house in Albuquerque, but our old house out in Edgewood.

Trusting Through the Doubt

When I can't sleep or I'm up late reading a book or doing something on my computer, I tend to think a lot.  Tonight was a reading night and now it's almost 2 o'clock and I'm still awake and thinking and looking at facebook.  Now normally I don't look at people's pages all that often.  But tonight I was looking at some friend's pages and a few of them were recently engaged or in a relationship and had pictures up.  Looking at the pictures of them so happy in love I felt that familiar clenching of my heart that's part pain, part jealousy.  And as I kept looking at the pictures of these people that I had graduated with  or were only slightly older than me, I felt all the doubts coming back.  Doubting that God had someone out there for me, doubting that anyone could ever possibly love me, doubting that I could ever truly love someone again myself.  And then there was the jealousy too.  Why did they get someone and I didn't?  Why couldn't I have that?  In a matter of minutes, I was dealing with a full on war between my heart and my head.  My head telling me that I was right to doubt and that my jealousy was rational, reasonable, that my heart was naive.  And then there was my heart telling me to trust God and remember that He has a plan for me even though I can't see it and also telling my head to shut up.

Get Up...and DANCE!!!

Okay, so I woke up this morning and just felt like a zombie.  Granted that's not really unusual but I just felt more out of it than usual.  Soooo, I put on some music and about five minutes later I was wide awake and dancing around my room.  And I figured I'd just share a few of the songs that I really enjoy with you all!  So...enjoy!

I love older music and I really like this song.  Always gets me moving.

Harry Potter: Good or Bad?

If you ask a lot of Christian families what they think of the Harry Potter books and movies, most will likely tell you that they've never read/seen them or let their children read/see them and they probably never will.  Why?  Because for most, Harry Potter is only about magic.  Or at least that's what they perceive.  But is that true?  Is that all Harry Potter is, a whole franchise just surrounding magic?  No.  At least I certainly don't think so.  But, granted, I quite literally grew up with Harry Potter and I've spent over half my life reading and watching it.  To be honest, though, if all it was was magic, I wouldn't have spent all that time reading and watching it.  Now this certainly isn't to bash anyone who is against Harry Potter.  The majority of my closest friends have never had anything to do with it, but what I do want to do is point out the good of it and maybe put it into perspective.

The Beauty Within

One of the things I have struggled with for many years now is my perception of beauty. My heart knows that beauty comes from within and I can see that beauty in others. But when I look at myself, I judge myself by outward appearance. I'm the girl who has to look perfect, who would rather die than go somewhere without makeup. I'm the girl who hates the girl in the mirror, cause I'm not stick thin, my hair's not perfect, there's a small gap in my teeth, etc. I notice every single little flaw.

Act of Valor

Many of you probably know that there is a new movie out now called Act of Valor.  While the movie itself is not fact, the events that take place, the action, and basically the entire movie could be true and could happen.  Many people might find themselves disappointed with parts of it.  This isn't like some of the movies or tv shows where people are doing things that could obviously never happen in real life or they have impossible endings.  In many ways, this is real.  This is what happens.  This is what the men and women of our country do for us.

Merry Christmas?

Have you ever had a Christmas where it just doesn't feel like Christmas?  The tree's all decorated, the lights are up, the presents are wrapped, the cards are signed, the Christmas story's been read, etc., etc.  Yet even with all that, there's just no joy, no excitement, nothing.  That's how my Christmas started out.  When I was woken up by one of my dogs licking my face, it felt like any other day.  I knew it wasn't, but that's what it felt like.  It made me think of those days when I was little kid and I would run into my parents room and jump on their bed till they woke up and we would go open presents.  I miss those days of simplicity and of belief in Santa.  Things really were easier in some ways.

When I finally hauled myself out of bed and got out of my room and wished a Merry Christmas to the rest of my family, my grandmother responded with, "Doesn't feel very merry does it?"  I knew exactly how she felt, but saying it out loud just added to the depression I already felt.  It was hard not to dwell on the fact that Grandpa wasn't going to be there.  Thanksgiving hadn't been nearly this hard, probably because about half the family wasn't able to make it anyway.  For Christmas though, the entire family was showing up, including my mom's mom who suffers from dementia.  Eleven people, a permanent odd number for the first time in twenty years.