How Strong Am I?

Ever have that moment where everything suddenly changes and you're trying to decide if something is worth doing after all?  That's kinda where I am.  My mom and I had talked about her going with me to Phoenix, AZ so I can audition for the Biggest Loser.  That way we could have some time off to hang out together and just get away at the same time that I was trying to get a place on the show.  Well, me being me, I kept forgetting to talk to her about it in more detail after our initial conversation.  It was one of those things that I would think about it when I was home and she wasn't and then when she got home I would forget.  I also just didn't see her much.  In any case, when I finally did talk to her about it several days ago, it turns out she thought I had changed my mind and she was going to be working Tuesday through Thursday, right when we were planning to be gone.  My first reaction was to be angry, which was stupid since it was my fault, and my second reaction was to completely freak out.

What's Going Without Saying Should Be Said

So this post might seem slightly random to some people, but to me its really not.  Today my family's having a kind of birthday party for my grandmother on my mom's side.  It's definitely not going to be your typical kind of party though.  First of all, its at an assisted living facility where my grandmother lives.  And second, there's no telling how many of us she'll even recognize.  My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia last year.  That was something new for all of us to deal with, but I don't think any of us were expecting her to deteriorate so fast.  In a matter of months, basically between August till Christmas Day, she went from the sassy, almost bratty, tiny grandma I knew to this feeble, emotional person who called me Esther.  She had no clue who I was or who my cousin was.  Not exactly the best Christmas one would hope for.

Chance of a Lifetime

One of these days I'll stop blogging at midnight, but I doubt it'll be anytime soon.  Pretty much all inspiration comes to me sometime around or after midnight.  It's really bad.

In any case, I did want to share a really amazing opportunity a very dear friend of mine shared with me.  She and her husband have a passion for working in disaster areas to help rebuild.  She just recently got back from spending several months in Japan working at rebuilding homes.  It is truly her passion and she shared that passion with me.  Hearing her talking about her experience made me remember how much I used to love going down to Mexico and doing missionary work down there.  Now granted, Japan is very different since it's Samaritan's Purse and they're doing construction whereas when my church youth group would go down to Mexico, we mostly did VBS and outreach with very little construction work.  Well, as she was telling me about her experience, she asked me if that would be something I would like to do.  My answer:  Heck, yes!

Taking a Chance

Anybody who knows me knows that I'm overweight.  Okay, actually, I'll just be honest, I'm fat.  And it sucks.  But I'm not going to bore you with a really long sob story or anything, because I'm actually pretty excited.  As of two days ago, I am in the running to be on the Biggest Loser.  My parents and friends think I'm pretty much crazy, but I'm really excited and pretty darned determined to do this.  Remember, I'm stubborn.

Pre-registration is done, my application is over half filled out, and my mom and I are flying out to Phoenix on the 20th for some much needed girl time as well as for my audition.  So this was pretty short, but I just wanted to share because I am so super excited to take advantage of this opportunity!

The Only Thing Holding Me Back, Is Me

As I said a few posts ago, I just started my new job a few days ago and while it is one of the most difficult jobs I have had to do just emotionally as well as mentally, it is also the most fun job I have ever had.  Being able to talk to people just one on one and not have to be rushed or be trying to keep a million things straight in my head is just so wonderful.  Also not coming home with my feet aching from standing on them for hours at a time or my back killing me from constantly bending over and lifting heavy buckets or trays is just such a blessing.  I can tell you that my intake of ibuprofen has at least been halved.  But while all of that is amazing, this job has truly forced me to go outside my comfort zone.  Calling people I barely know and asking them to let me come into their house to show them a product is just uncomfortable for me.  So getting the courage to press the send button on my cell phone has become a real challenge.  Also trying not to get discouraged when I don't make a sale is hard.  A lot of people know that I have some self-esteem issues so when I don't make a sale, I just automatically start to kick myself and call myself a failure.  Yeah, I am definitely not my own biggest fan.

Be Blessed and Smile

The last couple weeks I've been going to Calvary's college Bible study for teens.  While there are certain parts of the teaching I just can't agree with, there are two songs in particular that I've fallen in love with.  And funnily enough, they're both by the same artist:  Hillsong United.  So here they are.

The lyrics are just so awesome.  Though my favorite part is the last verse that's repeated.

Just Watch Me

In my post the other day I mentioned that I had finally found a new job that seemed to be absolutely perfect for what I needed.  Just as a recap, I'm going to be working in customer sales selling kitchen products.  So while I was over the moon about it, my parents were both skeptical and they let me know it.  The more they talked about how they didn't think I could do it, it wasn't practical, it was going to be hard, I should just say no and find something else, the more I found that I began to doubt myself.  This job has everything that I was looking for but my parents just couldn't seem to see that.  So instead of being encouraging and supportive, which was what I really needed, they tried to dissuade me.  This was honestly very reminiscent of when I told them I wanted to become an actress and wanted to major in theater when I went to college.  They slammed that down too, but after a year and a half of college where I learned very little and tried three different majors, they finally relented... rather reluctantly.

He Will Provide

Over the past year or so I've been really struggling with my faith, just doubting a lot and being angry at God for various things that have happened.  I've felt abandoned and hurt a lot and I turned a lot of that anger towards God.  But today I was reminded and shown that God does see me and He does care about me.

I quit my job at a local tearoom a month or so ago and have been out of a job since.  Along with that decision to quit my job there, I also decided to quit college.  Whether permanently or temporarily I'm still not sure and will have to see what happens in the future.  With those decisions I started looking for a full time job.  However, with pursuing an acting career, a full time schedule was going to be hard since calls to act as an extra are very sudden and times for rehearsals for a play can vary.  For several weeks I filled out applications and sent out e-mails with my resume attached and basically got nothing back, until yesterday.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Most mornings when I wake up, I have no clue as to what I dreamed about.  And even when I do remember, it's usually just bits and pieces.  But very, very rarely I will have complete recall.  Within the last couple of weeks I've had several dreams that I could remember perfectly.  I won't tell you about them because honestly they don't make any sense and they were just weird, though also quite funny.  Anyway, the one thing that stood out to me was that I was at home in every one of them.  Not home as in our house in Albuquerque, but our old house out in Edgewood.

Trusting Through the Doubt

When I can't sleep or I'm up late reading a book or doing something on my computer, I tend to think a lot.  Tonight was a reading night and now it's almost 2 o'clock and I'm still awake and thinking and looking at facebook.  Now normally I don't look at people's pages all that often.  But tonight I was looking at some friend's pages and a few of them were recently engaged or in a relationship and had pictures up.  Looking at the pictures of them so happy in love I felt that familiar clenching of my heart that's part pain, part jealousy.  And as I kept looking at the pictures of these people that I had graduated with  or were only slightly older than me, I felt all the doubts coming back.  Doubting that God had someone out there for me, doubting that anyone could ever possibly love me, doubting that I could ever truly love someone again myself.  And then there was the jealousy too.  Why did they get someone and I didn't?  Why couldn't I have that?  In a matter of minutes, I was dealing with a full on war between my heart and my head.  My head telling me that I was right to doubt and that my jealousy was rational, reasonable, that my heart was naive.  And then there was my heart telling me to trust God and remember that He has a plan for me even though I can't see it and also telling my head to shut up.